Which birth control should i get?

If you’re reading this, chances are you’ve already tried praying to the fertility gods and that didn’t work. Well, fear not! The wonderful world of birth control is here to save your uterus from any surprises.

But with so many options out there, how do you know which one is right for you? You could blindly choose one and hope for the best, or you could keep reading this guide where we’ll break down different kinds of contraception methods and see what works best in certain situations.

Hormonal Birth Control

Hormonal birth control has been around since 1960s – a magical era when people actually trusted doctors enough to take anything they handed over without Googling it first. Here are some popular hormonal options:

The Pill

The pill was introduced in 1960 as a daily tablet containing synthetic hormones called progestin and estrogen. It’s said to be 91% effective if taken consistently but honestly who remembers taking pills every day at exactly the same time? A few minutes late increases pregnancy odds by almost double.

Depo-Provera Shot

Depo-Provera (DMPA) shot doesn’t involve sticking something up your coochie like most contraceptive devices we’ll discuss later on. Instead, it involves an injection in arm or legs once every three months ensuring no ovulation occurs- stuff that normally helps create kids.

It’s pretty darn effective too…I’m talking blocking Jack Sparrow-level good, about 97% off pregnancies prevented goodness making trips to the doctor quarterly worth considering!


This funky little ring made its debut back in early ’60s as well but hardly anyone cared because music sucked then too.The NuvaRing is flexible smoke loop thingy kept inside lady bits which should be left inside for three weeks followed by rings-free week during menstruation.Folks love it because they only need to think about it once a month- err whatever rhythm their cycle is. However, users do experience growth of lactating breasts among other features which isn’t ideal.


Implanon , also known as Nexplanon depending on where you live,you could try rebranding your exes too sounds like future monopoly currency don’t it? Inserted up into the arm but unlike Depo-provera so no needles involved in this game. The size of this thing is small couch fast food restaurant sauce containers and releases progestin to halt ovulation or create endometrial shield.No magic here, one can directly track period surprises magically vanishing due to its remarkable 99% effectiveness . It has the potential side effects such as acne galore for an unlucky few or weight gain similar to rich colonial people routine!

Non-Hormonal Birth Control

Moving onto contraceptive forms that contain either nothing related synthetic hormones or do not include any at all! Get ready for some new love children; I mean devices up next are lusty combinations!


What’s better than one layer of rubber wrapped around yo… uh, trouser snake ? Two layers baby! Double your pleasure, double your fun right?. This option puts control in man’s hand which shouldn’t stir much controversy given most can’t even read intimate moment blueprint let alone comprehend how pregnancy works .It just adds an extra layer, making them literally ‘safe’ and secure.The drawback: Forgetting condoms means monthly diaper runs .

Copper IUD

The copper intrauterine device (IUD) stirs intense debate between women comfort believers & “talk-to-me-only-after-my-kids-are-doctorate-holders-right-wing”. It’s non-hormonal birth control method effective immediately after insertion (during periods) lasting about ten years ++ – which means very minimal tracking. But it’s important to note that your periods might become heavier and you could experience painful cramps after the copper-embedded device is shoved up into your uterine lining.


Technically speaking,this one isn’t a “birth control” as much as never having sex again i.e before or after Thanksgiving dinner aunt throws passive aggressive questions. A highly effective method of losing possibility of children for good,vaginally (tubal litigation), scrotumly (vasectomy) or bellybuttony-esque laparoscopy .Both men and women have their respective counterparts done if you are ready to make such an informed decision.This procedure will completely remove any baby-making ability,You don’t typically make this choice on whim so consulting with obgyn doctors makes sense.

The End Game Is You…

In summary, don’t play fast & loose when it comes to birth control – pun intended LOL.You gotta find what works best for you depending on ur body ,mind goals(your financial standing matters too). Remember: Condoms can help prevent STDs alongside pregnancies while hormonal methods may regulate acne prone skin.(Talk about two birds one stone here) And while sterilization sounds tempting meaning no more worrying about surprises,it requires significant soul searching followed by questions time with some Doc’s expertise.

With countless options available out there today, sexual preferences(lotsa ones really! safe chuncky peanut butter,Air Supply), age factors(don’t forget Dolly!), complicated health conditions(the acid reflux episodes) should be factored in whilst making birth control choices. Talk through possible scenarios with someone who knows enough jargon-term-wise from above mentioned categories so they can provide live case examples but ultimately —the power lies within YOUR uterus(oh wait did I just say that). Go forth!