What to expect kids?

So, you’ve decided to join the parenting club? Congrats! Get ready for a wild ride of sleepless nights, dirty diapers and endless loads of laundry.

But don’t worry, it’s not all doom and gloom. Kids bring an incredible amount of joy into your life(at least that’s what we’ll tell ourselves) But before you dive headfirst into parenthood, here are some things to expect when bringing up the next generation of troublemakers:

The Beginning: Pregnancy

Before junior arrives on the scene, there are nine long months to prep mentally and physically—a time period known as pregnancy. Here is a brief rundown of what you might expect during this phase:

Hormonal Hell(And Heaven)

Your hormones will be in overdrive during pregnancy. One minute you might find yourself inexplicably bawling during a Folgers commercial, but then moments later feel an overwhelming sense of lovey-dovey-ness toward your husband—sometimes both occur simultaneously!

Feeling Under Prepared

Everyone talks about how amazing motherhood is—which it most definitely can be—but hardly anyone discusses just how scared shitless new parents are. From worrying about finances (who knew tiny humans could be SO expensive??) To fretting over raising a tiny human capable of paying taxes someday(seems like wishful thinking sometimes), Brace yourself for anxieties galore.

Unpredictable Bodily Changes

Pregnancy really likes to mess with your body; some women get stretch marks whereas others develop weird acne-like rashes called PUPPS (seriously?! Why didn’t anyone warn us about this?!) If that weren’t enough, try having heartburn from drinking water or experiencing indigestion after every light snack—it’s lovely!

Table: Randomly Occurring Pregnancy Symptoms:

Symptom Description
Nausea Constantly feeling like what you’ve just eaten is the worst idea ever.
Fatigue Tiredness even after an extended nap or sleep
Cravings No rhyme or reason, one day it’s vanilla beans with pickles; another, chocolate-covered bacon.

The Middle: Babyhood

Once your little kickboxer arrives, the real fun begins. Sleepless nights that extend into marathons(seriously when was the last time we slept for more than three hours at once?) and mountains of dirty diapers can make anyone feel as if they’re in over their head.

Learning on The Fly

No amount of books about parenting can prepare you for actually raising a human being. Every child is different so there are no set guidelines on how to do this(why must everything be so ambiguous?!) Fortunately there’s always unsolicited advice from well-meaning relatives and strangers which definitely help!

Unwarranted Judgment And Opinions From Others:

Everyone will seemingly have an opinion about how to raise your kids—sometimes people share without asking which can be SUPER ANNOYING (ugh who appointed Karen as baby-rearing expert anyway?)

At some point, someone’s going say something (or give “advice”) That’ll make steam shoot out of our ears(just smile and nod folks we gotta keep diplomatic relations alive). They might criticize your preferred feeding method or private school choice then add insult to injury by saying “you’ll see when you have other children…”

Table: Common opinions new parent receive:

|Opinion/Advice | Reaction \
|- | – \
|”They Grow Up Too Fast”|Ok cool I’m aware if this life-changing factoid |
|”You should breastfeed”| You’re not my doctor but thanks for commiserating |
|”When They Teethe, Use Whiskey On Their Gums”| WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT LADY |

Too Much Cuteness Could Hurt Your Parental Judgment

It’s hard to discipline a face like the cherubs. Contrary to popular belief, not all toddlers have golden curls and adorable dimples(seriously who made this stereotype?) But whether your kid is objectively cute or not, all babies have an uncanny knack for making parental judgment virtually non-existent. One whiff of baby powder coming off their rolls and any thoughts of punishment go right out the window.

The End: Adulthood?

So your kids have finally grown up—are you on the brink of breaking out in tears celebrating that fact or suddenly feeling empty-nest syndrome creep up?(there’s always pets..)However, be warned it’s never quite over with parenthood (leave parenting but parenting never leave you) as even fully-fledged adults will still call at 3AM asking what this rash looks like..

The Unavoidable Worry

When we’re little our parents worry about us being safe whilst playing alone outside; when they grow old we worry them driving home from bingo night. It seems no matter how old our children are—no matter how robustly independent—we’ll forever feel worried sick about anything happening to them.

Table: Popular worries Of A Helicopter-Parent:

Worries Solution
“What if they choke?” Take a first aid course
“Is that new day care place legit?” Visit multiple ones before choosing one
“When are they going to start saving for retirement?” Resign yourself eventually having adult-babies

You’ve Lost Some Control:

Eventually you’ll hand over control enough so adulting can function correctly(though sometimes begrudgingly). Saying goodbye to letting your baby play with dirt for the 10000th time(they don’t die, we promise), or forcing them to finish veggies before dessert(sometimes a mom’s gotta do what they gotta do) can be tough on some.


Parenthood is an emotional rollercoaster that often leaves us feeling helpless and joyous at the same time. Sure it’s never quite over (Is it right?). You might find yourself worrying about your kids until they’re in their seventies or always having mountains of dirty laundry, but no one ever said parenting isn’t worth all those endless trips into parenthood woes(who needs sleep anyway?) Just remember: everything you’re going through now will make for hilarious, heartwarming stories when you have grandkids someday(ain’t that exciting?)!

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