What are low fiber foods?

Disclaimer: Before we begin, I would like to say that this article is not intended for people who want a healthy diet with lots of fiber. This is an article for people who want to live on the edge and sacrifice their body for the sake of boring food.

What are low fiber foods?

Low fiber foods are essentially foods that have little or no dietary fiber. Now you may be thinking, “What’s so bad about having no dietary fiber?” Well, let me tell you everything.

Fiber helps your digestive system work smoothly by keeping things moving along. Without it, well let’s just say things might get stuck (shudders). Additionally, research shows that a high-fiber diet can lower your risk of heart disease and obesity. But hey – those risks sound pretty exciting if you ask me.

In all seriousness though, not getting enough fiber can cause constipation, cramping and bloating among other unpleasant situations…

But hey! Who wants regular bowel movements anyways?

Now onto the good stuff! Here are some examples of low-fiber foods:

Meat & Poultry

  • Beef
  • Pork
  • Chicken
  • Turkey (Ohhh Yeah!)

You know what they say: “If there ain’t any roughage in it then it’s damn good eatin’!” Nothing screams excitement quite like overcooked beef!

Dairy Products

  • Cheese (All kinds baby!)
  • Milk (Finally something we can enjoy)
  • Yogurt

Who needs strong bones when you can live on cheese alone? Plus a trip to lactose intolerance town every once in awhile doesn’t hurt anybody… right?!

Fruits (Unfortunately)

Sadly our beloved fruits tend to be high in dietary fibers but here are some ‘ok’ fruit options:

  • Bananas (Not too ripe otherwise it gets fibrous… eat it like this and you’re in business!)
  • Cantaloupe (Plus, if someone can even convince themselves that cantaloupe tastes good then they have officially reached low-fiber Nirvana)
  • Seedless grapes

Remember – fruit is nature’s candy so the less fiber the better!

Grains

Now onto the best part of a low-fiber diet: processed foods!

  • White Bread (the sandwich kind not sourdough. What are we? Animals?)
  • White Rice
  • Pretzels (not joking here folks)
  • Crackers (Everybody loves a buttery RITZ)

So say goodbye to your favorite forms of carbohydrates and hello to blood sugar spikes!

How To Live This Low-Fiber Lifestyle

So now that we know what we shouldn’t be eating let’s talk about how to live life out as a completely boring foodie:

1. Have No Imagination

Creativity has no home on the low-fiber diet train. Stick with unseasoned meat, steamed vegetables and overcooked pasta.

Better yet cook every meal using only boiling water.

The possibilities are endless for exciting dinners like…

Boiled hot dogs…

More boiled hotdogs…

And for those special occasions BOILED HOT DOGS WITH KETCHUP!!!!

Who says your dinner plate (#Adulting) can’t look like something straight out of prison?

2. Forget Metabolism Exists

In addition giving up variety from our diets will force our metabolism into hibernation mode. Make sure to consume large amounts of sodium and sugary snacks throughout your day because nobody likes feeling conscious or aware anyways.

But seriously though… If you want some tips on breaking down junk food faster there’s always activation energy…

(KIDDING DONT ACTUALLY TRY THIS)

Now back to regularly scheduled programing

Where was I? Right – forget metabolism exists. Enjoy your high-calorie, low-fiber diet and say hello to a life full of empty carbs!

3. Make Sure To Eat Out A Lot

The benefit here is that most restaurants cater at least somewhat to fiber-less diners such as ourselves! Why not take a walk on the wild side with some unbuttered popcorn?

Just be sure not to get too adventurous…

Japanese eating might sound appealing because it tends to be low on fibers but we refuse it.. why? One word: SUSHI.

Let’s just stick to our deep fried southern cooking tonight….

Better yet Taco Bell anyone?!

The Verdict

In conclusion folks, if you’re looking for an uneventful diet with painfully boring food options then sign up today for a rich flavorful life with no digestibility whatsoever (But honestly who’d want THAT!?!)

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