How to remove impacted stool by hand?

So, you’ve found yourself in a crappy situation. You’re constipated and the stool has become impacted. Fear not, dear friend! With a bit of determination and some rubber gloves, you too can remove that pesky poop from your rectum. Here’s how:

Step One: Preparation is Key

Before you begin any hands-on action (please wash them first), make sure you have all the necessary tools at hand (pun intended).

  • Rubber gloves
  • Lube
  • A lubricant syringe or enema bulb
  • Paper towels
  • A bucket (trust me on this one)

Once you’ve gathered all your materials, find a private space where no unsuspecting housemates or family members will accidentally walk in on you.

Step Two: Lube Up

Now here’s where things start getting interesting. Before inserting anything into your anus (sorry grandma), lube up liberally with either coconut oil (for those who like piña coladas) or good ol’ water-based lube (whatever floats your boat homeslice) . Don’t be shy – really get in there.

Next comes what I like to call ‘The Turkey Baster Method’. Fill up either the lubricant syringe or enema bulb with more lube then cue dramatic music gently insert it into your anus until it is fully inserted.

Squeeze out ALL OF THE LUBE inside for best results. This should help soften things up and get proceedings moving!

Step Three: Get Pooping!

Let’s get down to business now shall we? Once sufficiently lubed-up and ready-to-go,ahem,use an index finger from each hand (or just one if that suits ya!) to grip around the stool tightly but carefully(don’t break it please!) Thanks to the that lovely lube and possibly a bit of gentle pushing, the stool should start slowly slipping out from whence it came.

Good work! Mission Accomplished (quite literally)

Step Four: Clean Up

Please tell me you took my advice earlier and have a handy bucket or container nearby? If not then why-oh-why didn’t you listen to me?! Anyway – You will need this as we are going to make one final push (get it ? PUSH) for absolute cleanliness, grab your douche/enema device filled with lukewarm water.

Gently squirt the water into your rectum while sitting on an open toilet (trust me,you don’t want to miss). Allow all the filth-filled fluid to naturally flow out before pat drying yourself until drynesss is achieved.

And voila! You can now go about living life normally with no more backdoor blockages!

The End ! Thanks for reading – I promise never again!

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