How to provide a sperm sample?

If you have been asked to provide a sperm sample for fertility testing, don’t panic! It may seem like an awkward and embarrassing task, but trust me, it’s not that bad. In this article, I will take you through everything you need to know about providing a sperm sample in the most comfortable and pain-free way possible.

What is a Sperm Sample?

Before we get into the details of how to provide one, let’s first understand what exactly is meant by a sperm sample. A sperm sample is basically semen that has been collected so it can be tested for various fertility-related issues such as strength and quality of sperm cells etc.

Gear Up: Things You’ll Need

Before embarking on this mission – make sure you grab these essentials:

  • Clean container
  • Lubricant (if you want)
  • Porn (I won’t judge…But your browser history just might)

Why Do You Need Special Container to Collect Your Spunk?

Yes absolutely mate – Get yourself some sterile cups (and no not from Woolies). The last thing any doctor would need while analyzing after your swimmers would be bacteria from odly flavored coffee mug picked out from graveyard or chlamydia-infected STD clinic cup (just eww). But where do you find these magical containers? An appropriate container should either come with relevant medical gear or alternatively will be available at many pharmacies who cater solely towards individuals with required equipment.

Here are Some Stores Where You Can Moreover Purchase Sterile Semen Cups:

Store Name Price
Pharmacy Online $20 (includes lubricants & sterile user-friendly containers)
Amazon.Com.Au $16

You can drop all concerns about hiding them because they look nothing more than little yogurt/jam jars.
We aim for ease here right?
Once you have acquired the right type of receptacle, you will also want to make sure it’s clean because hygiene is always important.

The Big Moment

Now that we’ve got all the supplies you need, let’s move on to how to actually provide a sperm sample. I know this might be awkward for some people, but trust me – you are not alone! So just relax and follow these easy steps:

Step 1: Foreplay

Okay (sounds daunting) but hear me out here; getting aroused before collecting your man juice can help speed up things during the process. It doesn’t really matter by what means or method gets those juices flowing – reading erotic literature like Kafka (‘The Metamorphosis’ & ‘A Hunger Artist’, anyone?) or browsing through channels complete with weird fetishes from your friendly neighborhood CCTV cameras (absurd already), whatever works for you (on second thought, maybe stick to more appropriate options).

Step 2: Posture Matters

This may seem strange at first- collect semen samples in privacy (with door closed) counting on gravity has proven ineffective. Ever heard of natural selection mate? Better get moving around!

If possible opt for positions such as standing up, sitting down or lying down but relatively elevated angle as it encourages better flow ($\frac{ml}{m}$). Additionally penis should remain straight during stimulation/collection with cup placed underneath.

It is understandable if there are moments where feeling pressed while providing sample- just relish on thoughts about having produced billions other spilt sperms throughout life then emerge an emotionless robot specifically designed towards pressure-less environments (ok seriously that wouldn’t even work…keep proceeding). Do recall variety being vital ingredient towards creation process however particular instances may well feel intense/worry-inducing so questioning varied input rates achieves nothing productive apart from further exacerbation of anxiety levels.

Step 3: Prevent Dryness

We understand that the vagina isn’t really…that spontaneous or around (but still better). So, this step is not as absurd. Dryness can get really irritating- literally. It’s completely understandable if some folks were wondering whether lubricant would help during semen collection process.. The answer is YES.

Applying an adequate amount of lubrication around and on your penis will aid in a smooth and easy process during stimulation (and definitely make for cleaner catch). Please note however; due to varying substances contributing towards sperm quality: water based lubes are recommended rather than oil-based ones – potential damage caused to sperms might increase speedily using chemically harmful substances at critical times.

Step 4: Collect Your Sperm

Now that everything else has been taken care of, it’s time to collect your sperm! And speaking truthfully here, it wouldn’t be practical explaining about biology when collecting sample (let’s just assume you know how things work down there).

The container should have screw-cap lid i.e., more secure as once collected crucially important that precious cargo doesn’t escape into air/extenuating circumstances which could compromise your performance entirely (feels like manifesting magic). While holding cup beneath hand grasp firmly by base then tuck nearest available mag while maintaining rhythmical thrusts till sure contents have fully released securely inside said container hmm?

If performing task within certain medical contexts such as specimen lab rooms – usually accessories provided somewhere between sterile cups / vacuum tube devices prescribed exclusively for responsible individuals seeking specific routines/details related insemination – speak-up loud clear but don’t worry confidentiality being top priority here always kept private so just do you!

Step 5: Hand Over Sample Cup

After completing all these steps with success (one wonders what happens if otherwise :O), return semen sample containers if given independently placed away from others before reporting laboratory personnel site of where deposit stored.

During visit, remember it’s highly critical you avoid eye contact with anyone optionally choosing to carry out duties (like employees or other patients), for reasons stemming from overall privacy aspects of both parties partaking this delicate experience.

Step 6: Waiting Game

You may now have little or no use for spunk in your hands but it is required to hold on to those specimens until arriving at predetermined centers holding responsibility for analyzing outcomes. Don’t panic yet though as test results will likely arrive within few hours dependent upon laboratory utilized (and your choice of delivery options)/possibly beginning stages approval processes/etc.

Just kick back and watch reruns of Friends instead while lubricating pens anticipating work ahead!


Providing a sperm sample can be an uneasy task for many people, but hopefully, understanding these basics would help clear the air or more appropriately; wet the palette towards unknown territories previously unexplored. It doesn’t have to be awkward nor a painful process: just acquire right accessories such including take-home cups/vials which should then allow quicker completion times via minimal travel expectations aiding elimination foreseeable accidents illnesses thus supporting peace-of-mind especially during ongoing reproductive testing assessments involving substantial personal monetary sacrifices needs undertaking by couples hoping achieve greater levels satisfaction sexual performance fertility fulfillment alike major life events otherwise dreams unrealized due limitations faced making expensive IVF procedures only viable outlet left available sometimes result multiple procedures coupled ineffectiveness causing heartbreak among parents-to-be repeatedly.

So get yourself together lad and start swiping those dating apps at lightning-speed- who knows where one trip could lead!