How to extract blood at home?

Have you ever wanted to extract blood at home, but didn’t know how? Well, my friend, you are in luck! In this guide, I will teach you everything you need to know about extracting blood from yourself or others without going to a doctor. Now before we begin, let me just say that if something goes wrong during this process–and it probably will–please don’t come crying to me. Alright then, let’s get started!

Materials You Will Need:

So before we start carving into our skin like a Thanksgiving turkey on Halloween night, these materials should be collected first:

• Gloves
• Sanitizer
• Syringes
• Alcohol swabs
• Bandages

You might think that some of these supplies sound out of place in your house but trust me; they are all needed.

Choose Your Spot Carefully:

Before getting down to business, determine where on your body is the best spot for needle puncture locations. The best sites include the inside elbow and back of the hand as veins can be located easily here.

But remember what mom used to say, “Choose wisely where thou stickth thy needle.” On both spots mentioned earlier above there exist certain pressure points that could cause harm when pierced improperly leading further damage which includes nerve damage.

In summary locating good quality boneless veins by feeling them through your fingertips while pressing onto your upper arm near inside elbow works perfect with its visible bulge so does doing same exercise with little variation trying it only from outer part (also known medically as cephalic vein) would work fine too.

And another thing, please do not attempt this procedure immediately after emerging from an ice cold shower or transport station due decreased availability of temporal peripheral visibility reasons among others – im sure lemurs attempting acrobatics whilst carrying flasks of ebola should be described otherwise.

Sanitizing:

When you go to the hospital, don’t you notice a big emphasis on sanitization? Yes?! Well here’s why. When it comes to drawing blood, cleanliness is king – and tigers who ignore this step are rolling with the consequences.

To clean your skin, use alcohol swabs instead of soap and water because they are more effective when disinfecting open puncture sites. Scrubbing away dirt does not do justice in putting pathogens off our sweet delicate flesh

You’ve got supplies; you been responsible in choosing an appropriate surface area so now everything is set to get started with procedure!

But wait, let me tell ya somethin’, extracting blood isn’t as easy as 1-2-3 even after all planning has been done, now we need patience and technique! Because little mess-ups can lead to stink-up clothing or severe infections which probably means saying bye-bye finger/toe/wrist all together (according to Google anyways).

We must start preparing things by mentioning correct size of syringe featuring two chambers red color for extracted liquid part black chamber one current count white thingy at end sticks up into air (as if im explaining how cow moos) This really critical tool measures different variants volume insert thread like protrusions located at bottom then rotate 180 degrees switch from right side left opening valve protect against spillage (Once again according research conducted by our friends over at Wikipedia).

Extract Blood From Vein

The next step involves inserting the needle gently into vein making sure that every damn muscle fiber doesn’t jumpstart doing jumping jacks across span of inner arm; hold tighten fit tube on hub threads but loosely enough allowing fresh supply flow easily without interruption (trust me I have previous history of incorrectly pretending horse whisperer somebody using syringe) another way could seal gear sterile tape onto your arm to serve as a tourniquet.

The idea behind the tourniquet is that it will slow blood flow and then make vein stand out more proudly than Michael Jordan during national anthem. Then, once we have found puncture site itself; hold “stick” at 15-30 degree angle maintain until obtain steady stream indicating successful needle placement!

Filling Up

As soon stick small red pipe in vain ilk should start getting drawn sipping cup from tropical fruits by crazy straws(but with less fun parade sticks I’d presume) something else that must be done careful nurturing bringing attention extraction rate standing near enough preventing clot development while not being heavy-handed hindering speed juice making its way home.

When you’re squeezing down plunger of syringe, pull back gently but also still paying close homage to step one (sanitization)- especially just prior to removing needle squeezed cotton ball on almighty poked skin patch. This soaks up any remaining liquid (like cars going into tunnel car wash) ensuring cleanliness.

What if you don’t think there’s enough blood coming through? No problem! Try shaking out coconut water bottle never let chance go listen occasionally starts sweating after all who knows what lying beneath the surface?

Jokes aside, massaging around injection location encourages further filling of syringe whilst keeping your eyes trained on syringe moving things along pretty good taking care against overfilling capacity aim for indication maximum amount without going overboard…well unless you are pretending live transplant surgery operating like a hamster running too fast into wheel attracting laughter from other family members

After Extraction:

So now that, hopefully, everything went well and despite sweat droplets dabbed across forehead procedure was almost complete – Let’s walk through next quick steps: examine blooming tube check consistently clear looking fluid packed inside free of debris or brown discoloration common among poppy aficionados nowadays

After ensuring liquid content is only blood, rapidly sanitizing surrounding area slap on a band-aid or two – The majority of times your worst nightmare will be over by this point. If however something does not look right and pain ensues consult medical professional immediately coming to think its 2021, why exactly are we suggesting home surgeries again?

Conclusion:

So there you have it! A comprehensive guide on how to extract blood at home in a very humorous manner! As I stated before, do this procedure at your own risk and always refer back to the disclaimer above if anything goes awry.

We don’t recommend extracting blood yourself but hey sometimes practicing insane behaviors keeps us level headed enough yet adds thrill into daily life which probably explains why people try bungee jumping too. Needless to say, as interesting and attention-grabbing guise extraction may seem please err on side caution; here you have handpicked wisdom cultivated through experience (of other consenting adults) minus exotic medical jargon which guides moral compass while applying practices inside urban apartments! Bon voyage, young Bucky’o Chapman!