How to de constipate yourself?

Are you feeling backed up? Do you spend more time on the toilet than any other activity? Have your bowel movements been coming out like precious little rabbit pellets? Well, fear not my constipated compadre – help is at hand! In this article, we’ll go through some tips and tricks for de-constipating yourself in no time!

First Things First: What’s Causing Your Constipation?

Before we dive into the ways of dispatching that poop log in your belly, let’s ask ourselves what might have caused dear old constipation (side note: never refer to constipation as “dear” or indeed anything remotely sentimental because it isn’t). Here are some of the usual suspects:

  • Lack of good fibrous food
  • Sedentary lifestyle
  • Stress
  • Medications taken without consulting a doctor
  • Not drinking enough water

Got one or two checked off there? Great – then let’s start getting things moving again.

Step 1: Fibre Up Your Diet Game

You probably knew this was going to be step one. Eating a diet high in fibre can work wonders for helping empty out those bowels. Try incorporating foods such as fruits and vegetables with skin intact, beans and lentils etc., which all contain high levels of soluble & insoluble fibres.

If you’re desperate for fast relief, look towards prunes, figs or psyllium husk suppliments so you’re really satisfied with how much poo you’re producing each day. If eating only green stuff doesn’t float your boat — sneak them into dairy smoothies; especially yoghurts where they’ll blend right in.

Bonus Tip:

Try cabbage soup – yes it smells terrible when boiling but hey ho here’s an idea – cook the soup a day ahead and leave until it’s adequately aged and stinky. When microwaved, the aroma may be foul, but it can deliver a powerful punch that helps get things moving.

Step 2: Exercise Like A Furry Animal

Dropping dead weights in the gym might not immediately spring to mind as an effective way of sorting out your constipation woes, but hear me out. You know how dogs perform pooping-like manoeuvres right after running around like their tails are on fire?

Yes (and no) : you too could benefit from a spot of rigorous exercise (albeit without panting or rehydrating from drinking out of murky puddles) as this encourages both natural bowel peristalsis plus increased blood flow to areas most commonly associated with digestion.
So jogging / heading to the treadmill quickly before reaching oblivion will do wonders for releasing everything!!

Bonus Tip:

If exercising doesn’t float your boat — try bouncing! Enlist lactate happy children wherever you locate them and jump until they’re done – who knew trampolines were good diet aid tools!

Step 3: Don’t Stress About It… Even Though That’s Probably Why You’re Constipated In The First Place!

Add anxiety + pressure = shrinking intestines…that equals difficulties with expelling feces. So stressing yourself further EXACERBATES any pre-existing problems.
Therefore in instances where worries take priority — just tell them Veruca Salt style “I want the world…YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!” Or ask boldly/unboldly(if needed) that these issues wait until later because nature calls right now!

Bonus Tip:

Grab stress balls for everyone; you could add some silly new office game where throwing them isn’t allowed – (tempt fate very subtly by making ‘fart’ temptations also forbidden). This’ll give every co-worker an excellent opportunity for free drama therapy.

Step 4: Get Enough Water (But Not Too Much Water)

Water is a vital part of exercising our digestive system. Essentially, being hydrated like the lake district directly impacts your ability to push things out.
Yet don’t excessively guzzle; it might potentially wash away beneficial gut flora and leave intestinal walls un-lubricated which can become sticking points.

For some individuals plain H20 may be TOO effective – causing even more pooping problems by increasing peristaltic movements too swiftly – In this case try decaf non-mint teas or natural fruit sodas for that added thirst quenching satisfaction.

Bonus Tip:

Buy each member of staff these oversized drinking bulbs complete with inspirational slogans; “Conquer This Container & Overcome All,” “Too Legit To Quit Drinking It” and reclaim your independence from all constipation craziness!

Step 5: Ditch The Meds

This should go without saying really but just to make sure every last bit of common sense prevails – don’t take poop affecting medication without asking a doctor first!
Although it’s tempting sometimes to grab something over-the-counter or off Amazon Prime if feeling particularly desperate when you have the uncomfortable burning sensation involving trapped fecal matter in anus(reasons why I’m single fact #34). But dehydration induced laxative discomfort isn’t what we want here- So speak to your GP/nurse he’ll give an idea on-best options for safety purposes.

Bonus Tip:

Use coloured sticky notes as marks so as not forget about never repeating invasive procedures because self diagnosis/medication isn’t ever gonna get things done! Reminders would include drawing pictures making far-off claims such as ‘growl less’ or similarly amusing bits in order to incentivize positive interactions based around conscious bowel movement effort-made).

Conclusion:

Dealing with constipation could feel weird/difficult, but with the aforementioned tips above success will eventually come your way, easing discomfort and restoring balance to your digestive system.

Remember – staying active with daily exercise routines, incorporating fibrous foods into diets as much as possible, keeping anxiety at bay by asking nicely if it could just a hold on for a bit are all key in ensuring healthy digestion.
You deserve to unconstipate yourself like royalty so go forth confidently and get that poop parade marching!

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