Are you tired of feeling like just another worker bee in the office? Do you yearn for a way to stand out from the crowd and make your mark on company history as someone who will be remembered forever as a loser? Look no further because I have compiled this informative guide on how to become the ultimate biggest loser.

Make Sure You Never Arrive Early

The early bird may catch the worm, but that’s none of your concern. If you want to show everyone that you’re not one of those “morning people”, always roll in late. Better yet, create a pattern by arriving popularly after important meetings or presentations.

Never Offer Assistance

If someone is struggling with work or has made an error, don’t offer help! Instead, enjoy watching their torture unfold and take pleasure in knowing it’s not happening to you. After all, they should have known better when dealing with such complex responsibilities.

Constantly Complain

Nobody likes a cheerful coworker anyway so complain about anything and everything possible: The weather is too hot/cold/mild/windy/rainy/sunny/cloudy; deadlines are unreasonable despite being clearly defined beforehand; workload isn’t distributed fairly despite having zero knowledge over coworkers’ individual job scopes – surely it must be somehow related!

Take Long Lunch Breaks

Why eat lunch alone when eating up time too? Use this opportunity for some high scores in games like Flappy Birds while lounging around pretending work needs more manpower than we currently receive (it doesn’t).

And extra pro tip:

Got yourself invited for corporate buffet lunches? Perfect occasion – turn up late instead wearing casual outfits rather than attendants & professionals attire- gaining maximum exposure while feasting!

Gossip

There’s nothing more satisfying than dragging others down below your level. Spend half your workday circulating rumors about colleagues behind their backs. With any luck, eventually, they will discover this and immediately question your existence in the office.

Be a ’Football Team Legend’

Nothing quite showcases the ignorance of someone than associating themselves with an American Football team or player name despite not having any knowledge of what’s happening within the league (or sports world for that matter)! Show off that soccer-loving-self by pretending to understand NFL game logic- drop names like Tom Brady or even better Aaron Rodgers! These ‘sport enthusiasts’ don’t have opinions on whether you know about how one plays sports, it’s all good conversations!

Don’t Document

Documentation is boring… until something goes wrong. Make sure nothing is written down so if an error occurs later, everyone can blame each other instead because nobody would have done their job correctly nor documented everything prior better resulting in collective loss.

And extra pro tip:

Don’t bother updating progress reports! Why confuse matters when change isn’t necessary? Ignore official procedures entirely while making direct email communications and distract yourself while waiting for reply emails until day ends unproductively -if productively executed then there must be something wrong with tasks allocation or deadlines assignation.

Copy Work from Others

How much time do we really spend reading those lengthy handbooks provided by companies before starting work? Use free resources made available via Google search engine – extensively especially when stumbling across a well-done big project proposal documents online via shared public domains from similar companies/team/industry/service type(s) which could serve as inspiration for your upcoming assignments rather than putting effort into properly researched materials creation.

Extra Pro Tip:

Right-click -> Save images on company websites depicting ideas without proper attribution probably won’t get you terminated but allow copying positions exist outside Copyright words definition limit anyways- expanding creative contribution methods at no cost?!

Social Media Allegiance

The perfect way to remain relevant within the community; keep up-to-date on Instagram, Facebook or TikTok for the latest dumb trends and strategies to kill productive work schedules. The more time spent responding to comments online during your workdays leaves minimal opportunity to fulfilling job expectations meanwhile.

Dress to Departure

Show colleagues what you’re made of- come into office donning fashionable attire daily! Impress someone so much with how stylishly put together you are that they forget/overlook any misdemeanors committed last week like not completing their workload before departing causing night long overtime.

Extra Pro Tip:

Although shorts may be comfortable during warmer seasons – wear professional attire anyways as showing skin is ‘prohibited under company guidelines’- garnering negative attention there ignites a surefire route towards biggest loser’s spot!

Final Word

No matter which strategy above seems most tempting, remember the importance of perseverance. Keep up this fiasco until it becomes apparent that promotion opportunities are significantly diminishing; take gratification in being detected by fellow coworkers getting fired instead – know all hard-work invested here finally paid off… being recognized as the ‘BIGGEST LOSER’.