Do i have children?

Parenthood – it’s the gift that keeps on giving. Whether you’re a young adult wondering if you will ever have kids or an aging baby boomer demanding grandchildren, parenthood is always lurking in the back of your mind. So, do you have children? Here are some comical insights into this life-altering question.

The Pressure to Procreate

From the moment we’re born, we’re expected to tick certain boxes in life: learn to walk and talk, go to school, graduate university, marry someone of suitable age and bearing capability (come on now) (1) and then reproduce like rabbits (metaphorically speaking).
For those who choose not to follow this chronological order marked out for us by society or genetics (2) – brace yourselves for your grandma pulling at your cheeks so hard that they come off.
And don’t even get me started on Auntie Jane asking when her niece/nephew will be christened whilst simultaneously poking her nose over plates of hors d’oeuvres.

Maybe You’ve Forgotten?

It’s a classic case of one minute you can take care only of yourself (well perhaps two minutes but let’s keep it PG), and then suddenly there’s another human depending entirely upon you for survival. They see through their naive eyes as perfectly round things instead of cones; want presents from Santa Clause- all year round no less- just because he eats cookies at strangers’ houses once a year; are obsessed with frozen characters… It really makes diapers seem like child’s play pun intended.

So if by any chance during these sleepless nights while wishing Little Bo Peep would actually lose her sheep forever leading your little ones away too insomnia land so momma can catch 5 mins… And it has popped up (3) whether or not ‘Billy or the little grasshopper’ are actually yours- keep on reading!

Stage 1 – Baby Blues

Whether you were aiming to be a parent or not, babies have an incredible way of dividing your life. First and foremost, there’s the baby blues – that inexplicable cyclone of emotions; sleep deprivation brought about by round-the-clock feeding sessions making one feel like they should invest in PJs with built-in wings for these never-ending ten-minute catnaps (4), (5).

After weeks/months/years of living at level minus loads, it dawns on you that this change was more significant than just nappy changes… The sleeplessness is starting to make you see things that aren’t quite there; strange voices from over-exhaustion sound like clowns chuckling outside your door… Yes, parenthood does interrupt many aspects of our lives (6) but so much we can deal with fairly easily – voice modulators anyone?

Stage 2 – Endless Appointments

The moment you thought sleeplessness was pretty bad: welcome to endless medical appointments (7), (8). From midwives prodding and poking at our lady bits during labor… To home visits filled with educational advice from child development specialists questioning what approach we’re taking in teaching someone who hasn’t reached climbing stage yet.
Through all this brain overload often imparts how wonderful the baby-formerly-known-as-poop-machine is progressing compared to other children their same age (read community moms club one-upmanship).

Are You Ready for ‘The Talk’?

It’s been years since high school biology class but now it seems as though the awkward talk yes pun number two has returned! As charming as those little kiddos tumbling around every day may seem still unaware ; kiddies had parents before knowing each other existed…and without mentioning Tinder/Bumble-worthy stories here (9) it is an interesting topic of conversation.

Okay, Enough Drivel – Do I Have Kids or Not?

You’d expect a long-winded spiel by the end of this article… But not this time…Did you remember to delete your browsing history again?
It boils down to either “YES” or “NO.”

If you have children, then congratulations! You’ve embarked on the journey that never ends. The good news is that there’s no such thing as perfection in parenthood – only trial and error so don’t fret those diaper changes (10).

However, if you don’t have children but want them someday – grab sock sensei resources Dungeon Master Guide, find some willing parents-even If Disney didn’t show us anything else matching symbols create interconnected worlds- Harry Potter anyone? And start lighting-up miss-matched socks like signal flairs for everyone (kid-friendly though) (11). Include nanny agencies too! After all, they get first dibs on early childhood hires!

And if after reading so far and reflecting It confirms parenting really isn’t going to be in the picture after weighing up pros/cons; refer back at anytime during upcoming baby showers with Auntie Jane plowing through mini-quiches; keep breathing calmly holding onto every last shred of laughable privacy while remembering life can give us its greatest gift: Self-confidence where we listen significantly less to “you should do” phrases from others around us conveying achievements within one’s own definition rather than societal norms.

Conclusion

Parenthood is a wild ride – from midnight feedings and messy diapers to cherished moments and endless love. So whether you’re jumping into parenting with both feet or skipping down another path thanksfully having dodged Lego landmines without actually requiring significant medical attention- remember that life is what YOU make it! So continue seeking your happiness even Elsa had to listen and take her own magical path right? (12)

Who knows, maybe one day Auntie Jane felt like adopting a pet rock to relate to the next wedding then baby shower he/she’s scheduled for… (13).

Sources: NONE THAT CAN & WILL BE CITED AS THIS ENTIRE ARTICLE IS STRICTLY FOR COMICAL PURPOSES!

Table of Contents:

  1. Introduction – Pressure to Procreate
  2. Maybe You’ve Forgotten?
  3. Stage 1 – Baby Blues
  4. Stage 2 – Endless Appointments
  5. Are YOU Ready for ‘The Talk’?
  6. Okay, Enough Drivel – Do I Have Kids or Not?
  7. Conclusion

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