Welcome to the world of employment drug testing! If you’re reading this article, chances are you’ve found yourself in a situation that requires passing a 9 panel drug test. Congratulations, Nancy Drew, it’s time to become an expert on all things urine analysis.
Before we dive into what exactly this puppy tests for, let’s talk about why employers are so obsessed with sifting through your bodily fluids. In short – drugs are bad and companies want nothing to do with them (unless they thrive off selling them…but that’s a different story).
So now that we’ve established why you’re being subjected to such scrutiny, let’s answer the million-dollar question: what does a 9 panel drug test actually look for?
Heading #1: Let’s get scientific!
Don’t worry, I won’t bore you with the nitty-gritty chemical makeup or complicated jargon. I’ll break it down so even your dog could understand. A 9-panel screen simply means there are nine categories of drugs being tested for in one sample of urine.
That’s right folks, just pee once and they can catch up to nine different drug classifications. Talk about multi-tasking!
The breakdown goes as follows:
Heading #2: THC
Ah yes- every college student and stoner’s favorite topic – marijuana (otherwise known as good ol’ Mary Jane). At-home weed tests may only be looking for tetrahydrocannabinol (THC), but our fancy-pants lab analyzers check if there is any delta-9-tetrahydrocannabinol which breaks down differently through digestion than plain old basic THC.
Heading #3 : Cocaine
Next on our hit list? Cocaine baby! Although some strains come from plants native to South America,it has nothing whatsoever in common with cocoa powder that you use in your hot chocolate beverages.
Heading #4: Methamphetamines
Otherwise known as “crystal meth” or simply “meth,” this drug was originally made for weight loss until someone caught onto how high it would get them. Please, stick to kale smoothies instead.
Heading #5: Opiates
We’ve all had a cough that just won’t quit, but don’t worry – we’re not testing for the codeine syrup in grandma’s medicine cabinet. We’re looking at actual opioids like oxycodone and heroin.
Heading #6 : Barbiturates
This one is a mouthful – both figuratively and literally! So what are barbiturates? They are depressants such as phenobarbital which is used in anesthesia during surgeries. Who knew?
Benz-WHO-zi-whats? In layman’s terms these drugs are prescribed as anti-anxiety medication , such like Xanax and Valium
Phencyclidine aka PCP . Word to the wise folks saw no to bath salts okay ? And phew I thought pronouncing barbituates was tricky…
###Heading#9:Moonshine (oops sorry) Alcohol
Saved the best for last – here’s where things may start getting awkward especially if you have been out partying hard as alcohol registers on an urine drug test..
Nothing too scary right? Just keep those questionable substances out of sight – unless, of course, you live somewhere where they’re legal…but let’s leave that topic alone!
Now my friends with this information tucked under your belt go forth into employment centers prepared! But also know it’s better stay away from anything secretly producing chemicals inside your body other rather than staying cool by impressing people who do not add value into your life. Afterall you aren’t some laboratory test rat are you ?
Hey there, I’m Dane Raynor, and I’m all about sharing fascinating knowledge, news, and hot topics. I’m passionate about learning and have a knack for simplifying complex ideas. Let’s explore together!
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