I never wanted to be a Cingular (now the new AT&T!) customer in the first place. But here's a long, rambling story, because I like to tell stories before kicking mfs like Cingular (now the new AT&T!) to the curb.

I hooked up with SunCom five or six years ago, and it was cool (especially after my hellish experience with Sprint PCS...).

While it got off to a rocky start with a $500 deposit because their retarded credit check thought I didn't have a bank account or a credit card, I put up with it when they told me I'd get it back in a year (more on this later).

Fast-forward a year or two, and SunCom's transformed into AT&T. Whatever. Not the happiest camper about it, since I signed up with SunCom because they were a smaller company with awesome customer service and good plans. They forced me to switch to a slightly shittier plan, but at least my shit still worked. Even when I broke my phone on New Year's Eve, it only took a couple hours to grab a new phone, switch all my info to it, and have it up and running even before the champagne was uncorked that evening.

Things were hunky-dory with AT&T for a while, then woo-hoo, I magically transformed into a Cingular customer. Whatever. Nothing really changed for me except the letterhead at the top of my billing statements.

Hello, NSA? Can you hear me now?

Then the whole NSA domestic spying story broke. I'm pretty fucking pissed at AT&T for failing to protect privacy and cooperating with an illegal and immoral government program. Cingular was also possibly complicit, and I made a mental note to distance myself from anything remotely connected to such fucking anti-American corporations.

So "switch to a less evil cellular provider" hangs out on my list of "things I should do one of these days but not right now," until - BAM! I magically become the property of AT&T once again.

It's like dumping someone, rebounding, then discovering that your rebound is actually your ex-in-disguise.

Which brings me to my current unfortunate situation. Cingular (now the new AT&T!), FUCK YOU FOR CUTTING OFF MY PHONE WITH NO WARNING, NO EXPLANATION, AND NO APOLOGY.

I woke up yesterday and my cellphone reads "Inactive SIM." Shit. That can't be good. Crack open the phone, cleaned off the SIM chip, turn it back on - same fucking deal. A quick Google search gets me a little freaked out, because SIM chips are usually deactivated in the case of theft or loss or other situations that shouldn't apply to me right now. I can't even call customer service from my phone, and it's not just a dead phone - my account appears dead - calls to my number won't even go to voicemail, instead being greeted with a message about how "the subscriber you have dialed is currently not accepting calls." Oh, I'm the one bouncing these calls?! That's news to me!

I try logging into my Cingular (now the new AT&T!) account online, but thanks to the recent transition to "the new AT&T!", I need a new password - which the website informs me will be sent in a text message to my phone... which doesn't work. Tards. I queue up to chat online with a customer service rep, who promptly informs me that he's pretty much useless and to try calling customer service on my phone... which doesn't work. Tard.

Luckily, my Jedi mind tricks landed me with one Kdogg and one Kdogg's phone to borrow for a call. I call up Cingular (now the new AT&T!) customer service, glad that I should finally be getting somewhere, only to be met with "We're sorry, there was a problem accessing your account. Please try your call again later!" Tards.

Then today, I finally cave and drop $10 to buy some SkypeOut credits so I can make some calls, and I promptly ring up Cingular (now the new AT&T!) customer service. Holy fucking shitballs! It's ringing, and they can access my account, and, and - a fucking person! And she sounds like she's in Wisconsin! Holy shit, when was the last time that happened?

Me: Hi, I'm having problems with my phone, it's giving me an "Inactive SIM" message.
Her: Uhm, yeah, that happens.
Me: ... So ... ?
Her: ...
Me: So... why did that happen?
Her: I guess it happens to some AT&T customers.
Me: I thought you guys were AT&T.
Her: Well, some of our customers who were AT&T customers before we were AT&T.
Me: Right... So, why's my phone not working now?
Her: Well, the SIM chip you got from AT&T won't work with AT&T anymore.
Me: Well, were you guys going to warn me before rendering my phone inoperable?
Her: It's not our fault we don't support your SIM chip anymore.
Me: ...
Her: ...
Me: Is there anything else I can do for you today?
Me: Yeah, when I switch providers, will I have any trouble porting my number since you guys rendered my SIM chip obsolete?
Her: Look, we didn't do anything to make your phone not work. You might as well just go to your nearest AT&T store and buy a new phone and SIM chip.
Me: Thanks, you've been really helpful.

Way to not even offer to credit my account or anything, assholes.

I don't know where the fuck this story is going anymore, I just want to get off the Cingular (now the new AT&T!) teat and keep my phone number. I'm just so wary of doing anything about it now, since my ass is still sore from recent dealings with Cingular (now the new AT&T!), and I have a feeling that leaving and trying to get my $500 back after five or six years and three corporate identity changes is going to invoke a new round of forced ass-fucking (see, I told you there'd be more on that later! (The $500. Not ass-fucking.)).