Ok, here’s the deal. In an attempt to document a local girl done good, I’m going to go where nobody at Dane101 has ever gone before: TV Land. Specifically, reality TV land, and precisely, America’s Next Top Model, Cycle 10, which boasts Waunakee’s own Allison Kuehn, an 18-year-old "hostess" with the mostest attitude.

For research purposes, I dug into Television Without Pity’s synopsis of last week’s introductory episode. I thought I’d see what sweet little Midwestern Allison was up to. Perhaps she's teaching the other contestants how to milk a cow. Maybe, shyly peeking out from under the hood of her Badgers sweatshirt, she hears the judges say, "She’s got so much raw potential, but she’s a little soft." Nope, not this girl. According to TWP: "Allison, age eighteen, from Waunakee, Wisconsin, tells us with dead eyes that she's ready to annihilate the competition. She's a silent predator, she says. Except for the fact that she just told us she's going to kill everybody in their sleep. Try keeping it on the low, Vampira."

TWP continues: "Vampira Allison is up next. She stomps in, puts her hand on her hip, and tells the judges that she's from the smallest hick town in Wisconsin, and that there's no way she's going back. Lady, count your blessings to have been raised on a diet of cheese. Tyra asks Allison why she's not going back, and Allison says that there are no opportunities there. I'll bet that was a fun town viewing party her supporters had. Allison, who has some seriously bony ribs, tells us that the modeling industry is very competitive, and that she has much more experience than the other girls. You tell 'em, Miss Teen Cheesehead 2005. Jay thinks that Allison is articulate and smart, but hasn't yet figured out everything. I think that's code for 'She's a pill.'"

But that was last week. She still has time to win our hearts. Starting with (emphasis is the CW’s)...

"TONIGHT!!!! The girls will take New York City by STORM. WHO will be the first girl sent home?" And we’re off. Bear with me. I am attempting this foray into TV writing, but I can’t promise I’ll be great at it, especially the first time.

Punchy music and a sparkly NYC montage accompany shrieking in a wide variety of accents and octaves. If things don’t pan out on the whole modeling front, most of these young ladies have a future in the horror movie industry, where there are plenty of roles for a pretty/screaming face.

I’m trying to get to know who these contestants are, but the whole episode is flickering by like so many New York subway ads. There’s an Aimee, and there’s an Amis (sideline: Tyra decreed that Amis, formerly Amy, pick a new name to avoid unnecessary confusion. Because trying to be a model is confusing enough, likeyouknow? Amy tells the confession cam that she picked Amis, pronounced Amos, partially because it’s in the Bible. I guess I never skimmed that particular translation.) All the usual stereotypical suspects are on board for Cycle 10. There’s an Eastern European with an unpronounceable name, Katarzyna. There’s Claire, a mom (go moms!) with a mohawk. Because the mohawked model-in-the-making neatly fits the mom slot, the “edgy” slot is left to Lauren for two reasons: she’s an artist and she likes punk rock. I’m blindsided by Kimberly, who’s unconvincingly making the case that she’s “not just a dumb blond” yet commits what to me is a heinous conversational crime: she pronounces "especially" "expecially." That’s so second grade, Kimbo.

They girls are directed to their new digs, where they commence to clomping around on their built-in runway. There are quotes from previous cycles of ANTM on the walls, quotes like "If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for anything," attributed to a wannabe from Cycle 1 (I don’t see a footnote linking it to Alexander Hamilton). The apartment isn’t as posh as those of cycles past, especially when it comes to the sleep situation. There’s a handful of bunk beds, maybe enough for 6, and then cut to...

One giant bed? The models are squealing and cavorting on the bed and all I can think is, when is Tila Tequila going to show up proffering keys to her heart? This seems like a very ill-fated slumber party, the kind where you just know someone’s getting their head shaved in their sleep.

In passing I hear that the "theme" of their pad is "What’s Your Passion?" One might think that ANTM would go with a safe passion, such as fashion (the whole rhyming thing, so fun!) or makeup (sponsor plugs!) but oddly, the only theme I can recognize is survival. This is the second time tough grrrl Marvita has mentioned her former homelessness and the second time Somalia-born Fatima has mentioned her genital mutilation. It is 7:08. I feel uncomfortable; perhaps I should make a charitable donation during the commercial break. At the same time, I’m not that impressed with Atalya or ….. (can’t remember her name, dishwater hair…) who are like, "OMG y’all, I have never even been away from home!" I’m starting to warm to Amis, who’s making a valiant attempt to start a meaningful conversation in the kitchen. Amis reminds me of a girl who was in every women’s studies class I ever took in college. She’s a talker and she seems to be this cycle’s hippie model, with a scarf around her neck, a permanent daze in her eyes, and a dopey guffaw.

Miss J, and Mr. Jay (you’re just going to have to Google this pair if you don’t know their deal, because it would take awhile for me to explain them) hijack the apartment to give the girls a tour of the city, starting in SoHo (hipster Mecca) and Bryant Park (fashion designer Mecca).

I’m getting nervous that we haven’t seen or heard from Waunakee Allison yet. It’s already about 20 minutes in and not a peep. She really is a silent predator, I guess.

Here they are in Times Square, somewhere Dominique from Columbus, Ohio has never, ever been! Waunakee Allison, have you ever been to Times Square? Uhhhh, hello?

Hot damn, there’s a runway set up for them right in the middle of Times Square, and cue famous designers [Mark] Badgley and [James] Mischka, red carpet pros who welcome their awkward and unknown protégés with greetings only slightly more energized than a mid-morning yawn.

With little fanfare, segue to the runway. Just to get into the spirit of things, I’d like to say the models look "fierce." At least, they’re really trying to put their fiercest foot forward. The Badgley Mischka fashion show is being simulcast on a Times Square Jumbotron, which is prominently sponsored by Sprint. Whew, I was afraid there might be a TV promotional opportunity Sprint hadn’t yet muscled in on.

Runway walk moments of note: Marvita works the starving, shivering, scared animal-in-headlights angle. Attractive. Anya manages to look completely naked while wearing a gown worth approximately as much as a domestically produced compact car (I predict that at some point on her journey, a judge will pronounce her “too sexy”). Atalya looks quite pleased with herself. I think she’d stand on the end of the runway all night if they’d let her. Gasp! It’s Allison Kuehn of Waunakee, Wisconsin! She’s a vision, a lady in red with Frida Kahlo eyebrows, nah, downgrade that to Brooke Shields (circa early 80s) eyebrows… she looks a little pissed off. I’m seeing a thought bubble above her head and it’s saying, "it’s fucking cold here. Shoulda stayed in Wisconsin. I wish I was wearing my Uggs and my North Face jacket."

Amis called herself a ragamuffin. In fact, she coos, "I have no idea what I’m doing. I’m just a ragamuffin!" I immediately want her to win it all.

Although at first glance I guess that Whitney’s about 43 years old, and her looks seem destined for a JC Penney’s catalog, I have to give her props for being “the plus-sized model” during this cycle.

The girls have "Tyra Mail" waiting for them and they read "It’s critical for a new face to make a great first impression." They read it in sing-song unison. I wonder if they pledge allegiance to Tyra’s larger than life wall portrait each morning. The girls are herded to elite for "an honest opinion of your potential in this business" as dispensed by international woman of mystery Paulina Porizkova. She’s there to bring the hate and get them acclimated to the criticism they are bound to face if they ever transition from reality TV to reality, you know, life.

Paulina tells Amis that she has bad skin, which is when we see the first and only Allison confessional of this episode. Allison confides, "Amis is a big sweetheart, but I don’t see anything modelesque in her." The not-so-subliminal message in her tone: "yeah, I could take her." Alison is wearing a long grey cowlneck sweater and zero hint of a smile. Her look combined with her attitude remind me of Selma Blair. Where’s the Midwestern nice, Allison? I thought a fake smile and a little nicey-nice was a prereq for a hostess job. Where does she hostess in Waunakee? Hm. Perhaps "hostess" is a euphemism for "that rude woman who never makes eye contact with you when you walk in the restaurant and then acts like you wrecked her day when you ask for her help."

Paulina is getting meaner. But hey, Dominique DOES look a lot like a drag queen!

She’s telling Kimberly that she is "very High School Musical" but Kim alludes to having "a little dark side." FYI: Kimberly, that’s not like when your natural roots are showing.

This show is going by so quickly I can barely tell who’s who. Anya has a very bizarre accent, which helps. The girls hop into a "Fab Cab" which is actually a Caddie stretch limo painted NY cab signature bright yellow. Fatima and Marvita are once again at each other’s throats in the Fab Cab. I can’t really tell what they’re sparring about. And I definitely can’t care.

They are shuttled to fashion shoot that is focusing on a majorly serious issue. Surprise! The issue is homeless youth. Guess who knows what it’s like to be homeless? Marvita! Now I know why they repeated that approximately 14 times in the first half of the show. They’re working with people from the Reciprocity Foundation, a great organization that enables homeless youth to go to college and start careers they are passionate about. The models will be in street clothes while their homeless counterparts will be wearing high fashion. Once again, I’m uncomfortable. I wish I knew what these homeless girls were getting paid to be scenery for a reality television fashion shoot.

Allison is up. She’s contorting everything except her face, which remains slightly angry. She’s obviously flexible, but in a not so graceful way. Jay (the creative director) asks, "Did you dance? Did you do some dance?" Apparently not the type to mince words, Allison answers in the fewest number of syllables possible: "Pilates." They don’t speak again. She squats awkwardly in her torn fishnets and jaunty stocking cap.

Jay dubs her stance "Early man." Ouch.

Highlights from the photo shoot…suddenly and magically Marvita and Fatima patch up their twenty-minute long feud by commiserating about their traumatizing pasts.

Katarzyna says she really doesn’t know what she’s doing? Bullshit. She looks like she’s been practicing in her mirror since ANTM cycle one. Kimberly’s take on the shoot: "It’s like really hard…I didn’t wanna like really smile cause I’m supposed to be homeless?"

Aimee, I have to say I like someone who can say "I really hope someone did worse than me!" with a winning grin. I predict stoic Marvita wins because of her "seriously profound life experiences" which Jay cheerily says "really showed up on camera!"

I notice Allison seems particularly non-plussed by the Tyra Mail ticker, which reads "Tomorrow you will have your first meeting with the judges." Others are screaming and jumping up and down while she has her arms crossed and her eyes affixed to the ceiling. I’m waiting for her to lean in to the camera man and calmly say, "Get me away from these crazy bitches."

Highlights from the judging: "She looks kind of Russian!" Surprise, someone named Anya who looks kind of Russian. They sound so excited about it, too. Aimee looks a lot like Allison. "She does not look homeless." "She does look homeless." "Her face is magic!" .

Dominique looks like a drag queen (still).

Alison... Oh, Allison, they’re saying that the homeless girls in the photo are outshining you?! The judges emphasize the fact that Jay had nothing positive to say about her. In fact, Tyra tells her, "your pilates training worked against you. Do you do pilates?" (cue chance to redeem yourself via charm and personality!) Allison’s reply, "Yeah, a lot." With an unapologetic and insincere smile.

Claire is declared "stunning."

Stacy-Ann has "mastered the art of 90s heroin chic." At this moment, in this little room in New York, this is considered a good thing.

Kim gets torn apart for her outfit. She’s wearing blue jeans, a black headband, black knee high boots over the jeans. She goes on a rant which culminates in "AND like, the whole fashion thing, just like, doesn’t interest me at all! I don’t believe in the whole, like, I need to wear designer outfits thing..."

Um, what? Kim is departing voluntarily now. She’s just going to leave.

Allison mouths "Wow" with the most emotion I’ve seen out of her yet. Thought bubble: wow, maybe I won’t be eliminated.

But, no, there will still be an elimination!

And it’s beginning to look like Allison’s going to get kicked off first. Nobody else got ripped to shreds by the judges like that, and she got next to no face time. This makes me very sad, as my budding career in snarky television writing will also meet an untimely demise if she is indeed eliminated. Oh yeah, and because I want Waunakee to go all the way.

Ok here goes, judgment time for Allison. "Her body is lopsided," says Ms. J "from too much Pilates." (stop dissing the Pilates!)

"She looks like an upper East Side princess who wants us to carry her bags for her," says Paulina Poriskova, who has obviously never set foot in Waunakee.

"To me, she looks like a wanna be Gossip Girl!" Tyra makes a weak cross reference to another lame CW show. On second thought, Allison does sort of look like the girl from the show’s commercial, which aired numerous times during ANTM. But I prefer comparing her to Sarah Silverman or Selma Blair.

The girls prance across the purple carpet to hear the verdict.

Tyra intones: "13 girls stand before me, but I only have 12 photos in my hands, and these 12 photos represent the girls who will still be in the running to be America’s Next Top Model."

"Anya...

Claire...

Whitney...

Lauren...

Aimee...

Fatima...

Marvita...

Katarzyna...

Stacy-Ann...

Dominique...

Allison!"

Yes! She breathes a sigh of relief and we finally see a real smile. Her outfit frightens me though. She is wearing a strapless gold bustier with a turquoise necklace, a black denim mini, opaque black tights and working-girl heels. Stop taking your fashion cues from those State Street storefronts! For gosh sakes, Waunakee Allison!

And the bottom two: Amis and Atalya.

Oh goodness, if Amis leaves, who will be the quirky one?

Atalya is eliminated. Tyra gives her the "it’s not you, it’s me" of ANTM: "The judges just don’t see high fashion."

Next time...

Allison steps over the line with Fatima? Oh, snap.